How did I get to this point?

It's a complicated process to get to the conclusion of suicide. So complicated in fact that it takes me writing this entry to fully comprehend the process myself. As a sufferer of both Generalised Anxiety Disorder and a current episode of Major Depression it may seem obvious to onlookers that mental illness would lead me to self harm and suicide. However, before being diagnosed with these issues I had absolutely no conscious bad thoughts at all. My main symptoms of depression were agoraphobia and lack of confidence. I hadn't even considered myself to be depressed due to my good relationship with positivity and humour.

I am of course aware that depression is not just negativity. In fact, in most cases the people who recover from depression require the strongest sense of willpower and hope for the future as the effort taken to battle a mental disease demands constant attention and strength. I feel I am very much a part of the cliche  that the happiest person in the room is most likely the loneliest and saddest of them all. There is not a moment of every day where I do not attempt to cover my pain with a smile from ear to ear. I even go as far as looking in the mirror in an attempt to convince myself of my happiness. But this kind of strategy will not get you far. Everyone knows that you cannot carry that kind of burden for long without collapsing. And though I may have fallen I did not fall as far as to consider before reaching out for help that hurting or killing myself would make things somehow better.

                Enter the question; how did I get to this point?                 

The most obvious answer to me as the subject is the use of medication. On all anti-depressants there is a risk of increased suicidal thinking in subject under 25 years old. This is a risk I didn't take seriously upon taking my first round of medication, Fluoxetine (Prozac). Much like the curse of the "Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers in Harry Potter unable to remain in their post for longer then a year (too nerdy?) I am now stuck in a circle of taking and discarding anti-depressants. I really could be a pharmacy at the moment with the amount of tablets lying around my bedroom. After taking Citalopram (Celexa) for just over 10 weeks my doctor and I decided that it was only making things worse and have once again switched over to a new drug Sertraline (Zoloft) which supposedly acts differently to the past two drugs in avoiding activating chemicals in the brain which increase anxiety. 

After only a few days of taking Fluoxetine I started to have bad thoughts which increased in intensity each day I was on the medication. Without hesitation I returned to the doctor and was prescribed Citalopram based on the fact that I needed something more then just therapy to get me better and Citalopram is said to have less side effects then Fluoxetine I took a weeks break and then continued on my quest for self improvement by commencing the Citalopram. Since all I had to compare with was the Fluoxetine things seemed up at first. I knew it would take weeks for good effects to come in but as the weeks passed by nothing seemed to be changing and the ongoing flow of suicidal thoughts set off by the Fluoxetine continued. 

In the past few weeks my emotional strength has been dwindling and my resistance to those bad thoughts has been weakening. Lack of sleep combined with ever increasing belief in suicide being the answer could not be settled with the simple increase of meds and prescription of Zopiclone (sleeping pills). With the occurrence of a serious episode which very nearly lead to my death I went to see my doctor and had myself taken off the Citalopram with the intention of refusing to take medication at all. However, I found myself being convinced yet again to go down the path of medical treatment and taking Sertraline at least until the doctor is able to organise a review with the Psychiatrist and/or Wellington Mental Health professionals. 

Today is my first day of the new medication and I found my rest period of 48 hours oddly freeing. Though bad thoughts were still dominant I felt somewhat relaxed in the thought that drugs I no longer trusted and did not fully understand were not coursing through my head trying to attack my brain into submission. Though the Temazepam (another stronger sleeping pill) certainly assisted in shutting down my brain at night. I only hope that, by some miracle, Sertraline has my brains best interests at heart and proves my doubts to be false. My intuition (which should not be confused with negativity) tells me differently...

All of this leaves me thinking; did they get the diagnosis wrong? Are anti-depressants, in fact, simply placebo drugs? Am I somehow resistant to all medication used for mental illness?

As far as I know, no one has the answers to these questions at the moment. There are still many mysteries when it comes to the brain and mental illness which is why I feel it's incredibly important that the people going through these issues such as myself contribute as much as they can to research. So much so that I have dedicated my youtube channel and this blog to exploring the process of mental illness treatment and sharing my experiences with those who want to know how the brain functions under the influences of chemical imbalances in the brain.

Please feel free to join me or just follow my day to day life as I attempt to soldier on through the difficulties in the hopes of one day defeating my illness or at least controlling it enough to be able to function in a semi-respectable way (let's not set our expectations too high ^^ I don't think my personality was ever considered "normal").

Kind regards,
Clare of WhatSheepDo